Why People with ADHD Struggle with Things They “Should” Do... and What Actually Helps

If you’ve ever stared at a growing to-do list and thought,

“Why can’t I just do the things I should be doing?”

You’re not alone. 

For many people with ADHD, the issue isn’t knowing what needs to happen. It’s that the moment something turns into a “should,” your brain quietly (or loudly) hits the brakes.

This is where ADHD and demand avoidance overlap in very real, very relatable ways.

The ADHD Brain vs. “Shoulds”

Here’s the part most people don’t explain well enough:

ADHD motivation is not driven by logic or importance. It’s driven by:

• Interest

• Urgency

• Novelty

• Challenge

• Emotional safety

So when a task feels:

• Expected

• Pressured

• Time-boxed

• Evaluated

• Or tied to past failure

Your nervous system may interpret it as a threat to autonomy, not a neutral task.

That’s when resistance shows up. Not because you won’t do it, but because your brain feels like it can’t.

When Executive Function + Pressure Collide

Executive functions are the brain skills that help us:

• Start tasks (task initiation)

• Plan steps (planning/prioritization)

• Organize materials (organization)

• Regulate emotions (emotional regulation/self-monitoring)

• Stay with something until it’s done (goal-directed persistence)

In ADHD, these systems often need external support. Add pressure or self-judgment, and suddenly even “simple” tasks, like opening an email or folding laundry, feel overwhelming.

Then comes:

• Avoidance

• Procrastination

• Self-criticism

And honestly? Who needs that negativity in their lives?

(NO ONE. That’s who.)

What Actually Helps (ADHD-Friendly + Low-Demand)

1. Rewrite the Demand (This Is Huge)

If your inner dialogue sounds like:

• “I need to do this”

• “I should already be done”

• “Why can’t I just start?”

That tone alone can trigger resistance.

Try swapping it for:

• “What would make this feel easier to start?”

• “Which version of this feels least awful?”

• “What if I just open the file and stop?”

This isn’t lying to yourself... it’s lowering the nervous system threat so action becomes possible.

2. Make the First Step Almost Ridiculous

Yes, I know. Breaking things down can feel unnecessary when the steps seem “obvious.”

But for ADHD brains, clarity creates momentum. And let's be frank, doing some thought work upfront can save you time from thinking through the whole process later.

Instead of:

“Work on the project”

Try:

• Open laptop

• Find document

• Change one word

Small enough = safe enough.

And bonus: checking things off feels GOOD.

3. Lower the Stakes (Radically)

Pressure kills progress. (Well, some pressure is great, but is definitely circumstantial when it works, so for this example, we're talking about the yucky, pressury kind of pressure!) And no, "pressury" is not actually a word, but you felt what I meant, didn't you?!

Ask yourself:

• What’s the smallest version that still counts?

• Can this be done imperfectly?

• What if I only do this for 2 minutes?

Celebrate done, not perfect. Even if it’s sloppy, half-arsed, or hideous.

Version one > version none!!!

4. Externalize the Support

ADHD brains thrive with external structure, not internal shame.

That might look like:

• A timer

• Body doubling

• Texting a friend: “I’m doing this for 20... check on me?”

• A visual checklist you get to use (not one you’re forced to)

Support doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you understand how your brain works.

5. Regulate Before You Execute

If your nervous system is overwhelmed, productivity tools won’t stick.

Before starting:

• Take a few slow exhales (longer out-breath)

• Change your physical state (stand, stretch, walk)

• Reduce sensory input (lights, noise, clutter)

Calm first. Action follows.

6. Use a “When I’m Stuck” Decision Filter

Instead of asking, “Why can’t I do this?” try:

• Am I overwhelmed or under-stimulated?

• Does this feel like pressure or choice?

• What would make this feel safer to approach?

Avoidance isn’t a character flaw, it’s information.

Reframes That Actually Help

Try these on for size:

• “I’m allowed to be a beginner.”

• “Trying counts.”

• “This doesn’t have to feel good to be worth doing.”

• “I can work with my brain, not against it.”

  
  

And yes, ain’t nobody got time for shame!

Final Thoughts

You don’t need more pressure. You need better tools and safer systems.

If you struggle with the things you “should” do, it’s not a failure of willpower. It’s your brain asking for a different approach, one built on autonomy, compassion, and support.

💬 Want help building an ADHD-friendly system that actually works for your brain? Coaching can help. Hit me up to schedule a personal Discovery Call. I’d love to support you.