Perfectionism Isn’t About High Standards... It’s About Emotional Safety

How RSD turns motivation into avoidance (and what actually helps)

Perfectionism is often praised in our culture, or at the very least, looked at in a somewhat positive light.

It gets labeled as “having high standards,” “being driven,” or “just wanting to do things well.”

But in my work as an ADHD coach, I’ve learned something important:

For many ADHDers, perfectionism has very little to do with excellence — and everything to do with emotional safety.

More specifically, it’s often deeply connected to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

What RSD Has to Do With Perfectionism

RSD is the intense emotional pain that comes from perceived criticism, rejection, or failure.

And when your nervous system learns early on that mistakes lead to shame, inconsistency leads to judgment, or effort doesn’t always lead to approval

…it starts looking for ways to prevent that pain at all costs.

Perfectionism becomes one of those strategies.

Not because it works, but because it feels safer than trying and failing.

Client Story #1: “If It’s Not Perfect, It’s Not Acceptable”

I once worked with a college student who struggled to take notes in class.

Not because she didn’t understand the material, but because her notes had to be perfect.

If she misspelled a word... If her handwriting got messy... If she scribbled or crossed something out...

She would rip the page out… and start over.

Every. Single. Word.

On the surface, it looked like: “I just like things neat.”

But underneath it was:

“If I can do this perfectly, maybe it means I’m not failing at everything else.”

Her perfectionism gave her a sense of control in a world where she constantly felt behind, scattered, and “wrong.”

It wasn’t necessarily about notes.

It was about proving worth through flawlessness. (insert broken-heart emoji!)

Client Story #2: “I Can’t Start Unless I Know I’ll Succeed”

Another client refused to set goals unless he could guarantee perfect execution.

If there was a chance he’d:

• lose motivation

• break consistency

• change his mind

• or struggle publicly

He simply wouldn’t start.

Trying something new felt excruciatingly risky, and therefore a waste of time.

Why?

Because in his mind:

“If I fail, people will think less of me.”

So instead of experimenting, learning, or growing… he disappeared.

No action.No feedback.No growth.

Not because he was lazy — but because RSD made mistakes feel unbearable.

Why Perfectionism Kills Motivation

Here’s the paradox:

People think perfectionism creates motivation. In reality, it destroys it.

Because perfectionism:

-raises the activation threshold too high

-turns effort into emotional danger

-makes “starting” feel like a performance review

So the brain does what it’s wired to do:

Avoid pain.

Delay action.

Procrastinate.

Procrastination, in this context, is not a time-management problem.

It’s a self-protection strategy.

The Shift That Helped These Clients Heal

Both of these clients needed two kinds of support:

• ADHD coaching (skills, scaffolding, reframes)

• Therapy (nervous system work, shame, identity)

And slowly, they practiced something radical:

Being imperfect on purpose... in small, safe, inconsequential ways.

Messy notes. Late starts.Incomplete attempts. Trying things without guarantees.

Not to lower standards, but to detach worth from performance.

Over time, their brains learned:

“I can survive mistakes.”“I can recover.”“I don’t have to disappear.”

And that is when motivation returned.

What Actually Helps (If You See Yourself Here)

If perfectionism is blocking your motivation, try starting here:

1. Shrink the emotional stakes. Ask: What’s the smallest version of this that wouldn’t emotionally devastate me if it went poorly?

2. Aim for “allowed to be bad” actions. Your goal isn’t success, it’s actually tolerance.

3. Separate effort from identity. Mistakes mean information, not an attack on your character.

4. Track attempts, not outcomes. Consistency isn’t perfection. It’s returning after disruption.

Final Thoughts

I talk about perfectionism not because it’s the whole problem, but because it’s one of the sneakiest blockers of motivation.

If you’ve been stuck, procrastinating, or avoiding things you care about…

It might not be because you don’t want it badly enough.

It might be because your nervous system doesn’t feel safe enough yet. (key word there is YET!)

And that can change.

👉 Want help unpacking motivation, procrastination, and RSD in a way that actually works for ADHD brains? Join me for From Stuck to Started (FSTS)  either in person at the Draper Library or via live webinar.

You don’t need more discipline. You need better understanding.